Edit: Due to a considerable number of complaints to the Human Resources department at Atlantic Records, I have chosen to revise the dark humor from last week's post. I am sorry for my poor taste. Please see editor's addition at end.

I offer this lesson today in memoriam to my present lost luggage. As seen in pie graphs of past, I am dwelling in that rather large 5 percentile of a waiting period. Nonetheless, I have faith everything will return to me as the contents within the cases are coated in my very own blood, rich with uniqueness, and folded in the utmost eloquent and respectful manner. Should any vagrant fall upon my items he will bend at the waist, bow to my sophisticated packing style, and beg every museum to display his discovery. But I will be there. For I am perched by The Louvre's entrance and I am hungry for my sweatshirt on this unfortunately chilly day halfway through June.

Contents for a world tour:

-A short stack of pants; varying in thickness, length and texture

-8 of the exact same shirt; varying in Color (this takes all question out of what to wear)

-Running shoes; for rainy days, skating, or fleeing to Mexico when the crack-up comes

-Dietary Supplements; for digestion, brain power, and a place for psychedelics

-Toiletry Bag; for toothpaste, shaving, q-tip, condom, and general stash

-Polaroid Film; the best format for shooting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx in seedy hotels

-Juggling Equipment; for dexterity, boredom, & xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

-2 hats; for a quick disguise

-1 large tapestry; for hiding unsightly hotel TVs or ones face when finally arrested


Please Insert:
-Polaroid Film; the best format for shooting senior-citizen-pornography
-Juggling Equipment; for dexterity, boredom, & confusing the elderly

Optional: socks/underwear, gluten-free snacks, cables/adapters for gadgetry, or Golden Shower Girl, Rue McClananhan.


For your consolation:

Some people speak rather eloquently.
Sum peep talk real slow like.
Some motherfuckers speak Jive.
And some people jabber in rhyme.

Some like humor that's dark.
Where some folk only love clowns
When some people are laughing at South Park,
Others might draw back and frown

To each his own we always say
Some change the channel. Some look away
And some challenge the comic and make him halt
Rather than take the words with a grain of salt

To jest of a crime means it's so untrue
And that's funny to me if not to you
So I'll post a warning next time on this journal
When I write something meant for a men's room urinal.

-mraz
Dublin 6/2008