In my album "Above Heaven Below Heaven," I sang--I've wanted to save the world, but even you I couldn't save/ I tried to save you, but even myself I don't know how to..../ What can I save? How can I save?--in the song "Don't be afraid."
Lately, I think, I've reached my answer. Here is my thoughts:
Freedom I have searched for.....
There has been an indescribable, everlasting sense of guilt in myself. ''My existence itself is a sin,'' it said. When I look back, this sense of guilt might have been the reason of my constant fight, whether to get over it or to escape from it.
Remembering my life so far, I really don't know if I did anything good for people and for the world. Probably, I rather have hurt people.
Yet, after 34 years of my life, having tried my best, I have finally come to feel that I am allowed to live (I deeply thank the people who have helped me, especially while I worked in Germany, whereby I've reached these thoughts).
My existence is not a sin. Even if I cannot contribute anything for people and for the world, I am allowed to exist. Wind, the rays of the sun, the things that we see every day. I can appreciate them now, with no sense of guilt.
I've been looking for someone who will release me from this eternal pain, but I have been the only person who can do that. Although it may be a bit too late for me to find a soul mate
, who's gonna marry me and share life together, I say I'm fine. Now I can feel, by myself, that I'm allowed to exist. This warmth I will cherish.
Everyone is accepted, allowed to exist as they are. I'm happy for this truth 
Saeko
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アルバムAbove Heaven Below Heavenで「世界を救いたかった・でも貴方さえ救えずに・貴方を救いたかった・でも自分さえ救えずに・一体何を救えるの？・どうやって救えるの？」と歌いました。
その答えが見えた気がするので、少し想いをつづってみました。
追いかけ続けた自由・・・
ずーっと消えなかった罪悪感。自分という人間は、存在そのものが許されないという、根源的な罪悪感。思えば、その為に（逃れる為か、乗り越える為か...）、必死で走り続けたのかもしれない。
これまでの人生を振り返った時、自分が本当に誰かの役に立てたのか、それはよくわからない。もしかしたら、傷つけた人の方が多いかもしれない。それでも、34年間、一生懸命生きてきて、最近やっと、自分はこの世に生きていていいと思えるようになった。誰の役にも立てなくても、この世界に対して何の貢献もできなくても、それでもいいと、存在を許された気がする。
何気ない風と陽の光、何気ない日常を、罪の意識に追われることなく味わえるということ。たとえ、出会いなんかなくて、結婚して家庭を持つことが夢でしかないとしても、存在を受け入れられたという、その安らぎをかみしめていたい。何気ない日々を...。
嬉しい。みんな生きていていいんだ。
